I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
