if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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