new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
