We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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