giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
