I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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