my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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