my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
