Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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