She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
