Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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