these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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