I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
