That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
