i permit you to call me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
