please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
