I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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