She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
