I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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