I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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