You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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