I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I smell stomach acid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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