Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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