Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
