I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
