I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize