Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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