dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
