i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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