Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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