omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
