dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
