Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
