Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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