I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
