If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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