Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
