I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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