rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
