Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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