I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
