i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
