Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
