Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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