I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize