mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
