I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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