All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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