I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Everyone says I win the strip club
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
