I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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