the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
