Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
