Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
