not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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