you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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