I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize