The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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