I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
