just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize