guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Drunk is not a location!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
