I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize