You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
