omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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