I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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